Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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