I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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