Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
