The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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