I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Randomize
