Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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