Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
