Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
