The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
