Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
