so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
