Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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