Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize