I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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