so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Is it because I queefed?
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
