Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
