Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
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