I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
