I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Randomize
