how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
