I just saw a hot homeless man
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
