Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
