i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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