You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you traded sex for a burrito?
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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