party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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