T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
