My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
