Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Be still, my beating vagina.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
