is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
