If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Randomize
