so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
