I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
