cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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