It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Randomize
