Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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