Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Are we still banned from the library?
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
