K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
