my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
