It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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