**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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