I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
