Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
His nipple licking is glorious
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