i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
