Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
