Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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