I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
