never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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