She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
