I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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