YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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