i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
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