You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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