FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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