these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
