Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
