update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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