I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
This can only be settled by a dance off.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
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