Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Randomize
