I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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